Lauren Ferguson | There are no mistakes in art, just opportunites to embellish. (tm)

I am all out of sorts today...

Now, y'all know that I am a half full glass kinda girl.

Well not today.  I am just a stick in the mud.

So let me tell you how it is...

The kids threw up all over me this weekend.

I love my husband, I really love him.  He is my best friend. 

But he cannot do throw up. I mean it is bad. He has the worst gag reflex. So I would have to clean up for two.

My son came in the room on Saturday and he said my name and then threw up right in my face. My husband could not hang. So he ran to the basement.

Then after the shower, change of the sheets and new pj's My darling husband says to Ziggy, what is the rule? He says without missing a beat. "If I feel sick, I throw up on Mama not Daddy."

Are you feeling the love?

So Sunday rolls around and I decide after the night I just had, I am running away from home. If for no other reason than the fact that my house is full of people and I do not have the energy to deal. And to be honest, I did not know that they were coming in the first place until Saturday afternoon.

I made sure that all the bathrooms were clean and that there was enough toilet paper and paper towels to keep the masses happy and off I go to B&N for the day.

I then decide to give my parents a call, why oh why did I think that was a good idea. I get there and my Dad immediately puts me to work on his new idea to get his closets organized. So with screwdriver and directions in hand, off I go to help with his new work detail.

I could have gone home to work on my own house, had I known that this was going to be how I spent the evening.

I get home and in the bed and son number two comes into my room and says Mama...

You guessed it, he threw up all over me!!  OMG. I am done stick a fork in me. I am now on my third set of sheets in less than 24 hours. My darling husband is no where to be found. If I had only put that intercom system in, I would not have had to scream to the basement for the clean set of sheets out of the dryer.

So I keep the kids home with me on Monday. I am beat, I am beat up, I am just plain exhausted.

I finally get them all to my happy place, a long needed three hour nap!!  Wooo Hoooo!!!  I may get some work done. NOT!!!  I fall asleep because I cannot keep my eyes open anymore.

Oh, let me not forget to tell you that I am going through the change. Yes, I am about to morph into a Troll.

I am sweating all the time!!  I have been bleeding like a stuffed pig for 13 days. I have called the OB/GYN and she gives me the run down of the process.  Since this is the first time that it has happened, she really wants me to weather the storm and see if it happens again next month.

NEXT MONTH!!  By next month, I would have died from external bleeding.  I would have bled out by then. You must be kidding me.

So I call up every person I know who has some form of a uterus left and start asking questions. I call my mother.  Oh why Oh why did I do that!!

She proceeds to share with me about how it was when I was younger and how she did not get a break so what was I whining about. No sympathy there. I should have known better.

Well, I wake up this morning and decide since the kids have not puked on me in the past 24 hours, they are going to school. I whisk them off not to be seen for 8 hours and then the day starts.

I get absolutely nothing done. I had the best of intentions and got nothing done.

I take a nap, still feeling like I have had the very life blood drained out of me...  OH I HAVE!!

I go get the kids, bring them home and realize that I have a meeting at school of Kindergarten for my daughter. What happened?!

Last time I looked she was preemie in the NICU and weighed only 4 pounds and could fit in the palm of my hand.

Then they tell me that I have to get her to school by 8am.  8 o'clock in the morning.

Who made that rule up? Yikes!!  I have twin boys, who are they kidding. Basically, they have now told me that I need to make two trips to school everyday.

So I put on my big girl panties and suck it and sign on the dotted line that she will be there on time. 

I come home in the rain and my husband, the man that I love, the father of my children has left the top off of the Jeep and it is pouring down raining. I mean pouring, wind blowing, lightening and thunder.

I come running in the house and he tells me that he is too tired to put the top up.

At this point, I have my epiphany. I am married to a new fool. I mean I finally get where my kids get it from. HIS SIDE OF THE FAMILY!!!

I throw my hands up in the air and run to my dungeon thinking that I am finally going to be able to get the laundry done and craft, when I realize that I have to get ready to go to Valley Forge for the second to last CKC.

My husband comes downstairs, gingerly and says that he is not going to be here this weekend and that I need to watch the kids.

WHAT THE (@)*)*_)*(!_&(&^^%%^!^

Oh hell no, I have had this schedule since February, over 5 months ago. No, you make plans for the kids. He can't, he has to leave. Leave!! Where are you going? What do you mean leave?

And can I send two emails and notarize something for him. Remembering that he is the father of my children and I need to pay the mortgage in 48 hours, I dutifully do my job.

He leaves and then I remember that I am having lunch with my mother tomorrow. Thank the heavens that I was not my usual grumpy self and I said yes.  Especially since she is paying.

So now I am thinking I can do this.

Well, why did I drink those two 5 hour energy drinks. I have 4 days of frustration and no mojo.  I have the jitters and I cannot seem to rap my hands around anything meaningful. 

Yes, I did think of his neck, but then again, he is the father of my kids.

So needless to say, I am not having a "the cup is half full day".

So I am now off to bed, hoping for a new beginning and some feminine relief.

until we meet again,

Hell R' Us

Yes, I need to tell y'all that up until yesterday, I had been able to escape this joint.

You ask me how was I able to do that with three kids.

All of the toys that the kids have, I was able to get out of other stores.  Plus, the boys are 3 and Chi-Chi is soon to be 5, so I have really had no reason to go there.

After making the decision that the kids were too young for a Wii and that they really want a lot of gifts so that they can rip paper, I did what I had to.

I got up at 6:30 am to screams of when is Santa coming.  Made breakfast, took a shower and hit the stores.  I went to the regulars -- Target, Marshall's, Ross and the Dollar Tree.

As I was leaving the Scrapbook Clearance store which just so happens to be in the same strip mall as Ross, I saw Toys R' Hell. 

I figured that all good parents went into this store.  I was on my new mission to be a good parent and I pulled into the parking lot.

The lot was jammed packed.  I finally found a spot.  I make a call to my friend Cat in Chicago and ask her for the tips and tricks to getting out of the place alive.

After my short pep talk, I get out of the car and make the trek across the lot.

I get in and OMG, the lights, the noise, the parents, the grandparents, the KIDS... Why were there kids in this store?  Why would you bring your children.  Even a Hell R' Us virgin like me knows to leave the kids at home.

I grab a cart and push on. 

As I get to the first aisle, I realize that I am breaking out into a cold clammy sweat.  I get back on the phone and call Cat.  I tell her that I don't think I can do it.  That I was in the middle of Christmas Hell and needed to leave.

She reminds me of why I am in the store, accomplish my mission. 

Where are the red shirts when you need one?  I am standing in the middle of the aisle just lost.  I have no idea where to go or what to do.  I have no navigation skills at all.

I finally find an employee who points me in the direction of anything High School Musical and the Little Pet Shop stuff.

OK, maybe I can do this.  I look and there is a woman who has resorted to taking what ever her 8 year old insists on putting in the buggy and tell him not to do it again, which is soon followed by the "Didn't I tell you not to do that?".

There is a father who has a newborn strapped to his chest, one in the cart, one holding onto the side and he keeps saying to his wife "How much does that cost?"

I looked over the HSM stuff and realized there was nothing that I did not already have or need.  So off I go to the Little Pet Shop.

As soon as I turn my buggy to go into the aisle, there are at least 9 women with their kids and buggies pulling everything into their carts and then running to hover in a corner to decide if they really are going to buy it.

I decide to hang back and wait for an opening.  As I am standing there in amazement, one mother says to another mother, "You have five of those, aren't you going to share so that we can all get one."  The other mother looks at her like she has lost her mind and says, "They will take my money like they will take yours.  No, I do not need to share."

Well, you guessed it the one mother reaches into the other mothers cart and just starts taking what she wants.  OH MY, why did she do that.  I just stood there and realized that it was probably best for me to leave the aisle because a fight was about to open.

I turn to run and there is that mom with the 8 year old who was putting all the stuff in the cart, she now has him by the neck and tells him in that low mama voice, "Don't you touch another fucking thing or Santa is not coming to the house."

I am now hyperventalating and my phone rings.  It is my Dad, he proceeds to ask me where I am at.  I told him that I was in Hell R' Us and his first response to me was "What the hell are you thinking?  Even if they only sell what you want in that store, I would not go." 

I told him that I was in the middle of a panic attack and that I could not move.  He told me to get out.  I actually had to hang up the phone in order to move. 

Now by this time, tears are rolling down my face and I am in a complete full blown PANIC ATTACK. 

I walked out of there as fast as I could, got in the car and called my friend Cat.  I told her that I could not do it.  I told her everything and she just laughed. 

Needless to say, I got in my car and drove to the other side of the county to get the rest of my gifts.

So, I am done Christmas shopping and I have decided that unless, they are giving it away for free, I will never grace the threshold of Toys R' Us again,

Lesson learned.

until we meet again,

Ziggy has found his PENIS...

Yes, I know that this is probably more than you want to know, but it is funny and I have been holding on to it for a few weeks now.  So here goes...

As you know, Ziggy has his surgery on surgery a few Fridays ago.  They told me that I had to keep him home from school for a few days.  So that following Monday since the other kids went to school I decided to take him to the market with me.

Now normally, I do put the kids in the seat part of the buggy.  But he likes to sit in the carriage part so that I can stack the groceries around him. 

So as I am starting my shopping at the local Kroger, it is about 10:30 in the morning.  This is prime time Stay at Home Mama time.  Everyone is stacked at the deli counter, so I decided to start with the fresh fruits and veggies while I am waiting for my number to be called.

Ziggy was so glad to be out of the house, he just had a smile on his face from ear to ear.  And then all the sudden out of no where, he stood up in the carriage.

Me: "Ziggy sit down, I don't want you to get hurt."
Ziggy: "Mama, my PEEE-NISSS is talking to me"
Me: " What?!!"
Ziggy: "My PEEE-NISSSS is talking to me"
Me: "Didn't I tell you to sit down.  What is your penis saying to you honey?"

Before I had a chance to even put the bag of tomatoes into the cart, my darling son takes his shorts pulls them down with his big boy briefs and low and behold, my 2 year old son has a BONER. 

Yes, he is showing me his erect PENIS.

As this page of life was torn out of my mama book, I reached for what I knew and in my best mama voice I say...

"Ziggy, Pull up your pants, you are in front of the Tomatoes!!!"

Y'all I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.  But apparently the other mamas in the market thought that I handled it well because all they could do was laugh.

Just to let y'all know that you were right.  I should have cherished those days when they were just out of the womb and all they wanted was to sit in my arms. 

You know that this stuff is true, because no one could make this crazy stuff up.  I am just not that good.

until we meet again,

My Big Girl Moment in the Gym...

**** Warning Spew Alert****  **** Warning Spew Alert****

As y'all know, I have been going to the gym.  My trainer went to Africa to visit her family.  I finished out my sessions with another trainer and decided that I really needed to work out a plan that was going to show results.

Also Carol, the other trainer, basically said to me that I would never see results if I did not start keeping a food journal and start being accountable for what I eat.

So after my crazy month in July, I decided the other night to get on Jenny Craig.  I need help with portion control and I need help with keeping a food journal.  I would love to say that I am stronger than I am.  But when you need help, you just need help.

Anywho, I am taking to the gym in the morning after I drop off the kids to school.  I then will meet with the trainer for a good 30 minutes so that I can get some core training.  Plus my muscles are warm and I am really getting my money's worth now.

So, I am rushing to get the kids off to school and it is 8.29 AM when I get to class that starts at 8.30 AM. 

So now this is how my Fat Girl in the Gym Moment Goes:

Instructor: "OK Ladies, spread you legs shoulder width apart and lets do some squats"
Instructor: "When you get down on this second round, I want you to pulse it out for four"
Instructor: "Can you feel the burn??  I can't hear you Ladies,  Can you feel the burn??"

Class: "O Yeah, I feel the burn"

At this point, I am sweating like a stuffed pig, my legs are burning and the next thing I hear in the silence....

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR--IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII--PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Y'all the back of my pants split.  Now, I must admit at first I thought to myself...

OH NO THIS DID NOT JUST HAPPEN TO ME!!!  THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE.

So I go back down for another count of four.  At this point, reality has set in and I realize that...

YES I DID SPLIT MY PANTS!!!!

Y'all I put my hand in the back of my ass and felt flesh...  DO YOU HEAR ME... FLESH!!!

I realized at that point being in the front of the class was not a good thing.

It was like those cartoons when the fat person gets into a pair of pants that do not fit and when they bust, all the fat just pours out in large ripples of earth shattering unattractive flab.

Now, this is the point where everyone, who really knows me, asks the question mind you through their gut retching laughter...

"Lauren, did you have on a thong???" 

Let me say this... that was not the most of my worries, but to answer the question "NO!!"

And I am not sure why, because y'all know that I love my TDAONG-TDAONG-TDAONGS.

Now, back to my story...

I bust out laughing.  I mean like someone just told me the funniest thing in my life.  I could not believe it.  I just could not stop laughing. And all the people behind me are laughing because apparently, they already knew that I busted a hole in my pants and I had just realized it and they stopped to laugh AT me and my surprise.

Instructor: "Lauren what is so funny?"

I turn around and with my best bend snap and press, show her my ass.

She is in such shock that she falls off the stage.  And now the whole class is in stitches.

I tell them, I have to go and I will be right back.  I run home, get another pair of pants. And return to class to finish my workout.

I meet with my trainer who through the grapevine has heard that I busted out of my pants. 
Just so that y'all know, I am motivated... 

until we meet again,