Lauren Ferguson | There are no mistakes in art, just opportunites to embellish. (tm)

The Tooth Fairy is going to be at my house!!!!!!

Can you believe it.  My daughter is about to lose her first tooth. 

I am so excited.  I must admit that I thought that I was going to have to tell her about the tooth fairy.  But someone else has apparently beat me to the punch.

She is getting so big.  I am just floored at where the time has gone.  Y'all were right.  It does go by so fast.

until we meet again,

A Northern Girl in the South

Now y'all know that I am the first to remind everyone that I am from the North.

Therefore that clearly means that I was not born with the "Bless your Heart Gene".

It is the innate ability of Southerns to cuss you out with a bunch of sugar on top.  Let me explain.

See in NJ if we think that you are being a jerk, we say: "What the Fuck are doing???!!! Why are you being such a Fucking JERK!!!!"

In the South, they say: "Bless your heart, did you really mean to drive the car into the pool like that."

Or in NJ we use the word FUCK in multiple ways...
As a noun: What the FUCK? 
As a adverb: What are you FUCKING doing? 
As an adjective: That FUCKING shit!!!
As a verb: Are you FUCKING with me?

And see that was easy for me to do without even thinking twice.

Now in the South, they don't do it that way...  It is Bless your Heart
Example 1: Bless his heart, his mama was not right anyway, so he did not have a chance.
Example 2: Bless his heart, he has always been dumb as a stump.
Example 3: Bless his heart, they ran out of brains when he got to the head of the line.

So you see, I am really still a Northerner. 

Oppps, but I digress. 

So as we are driving home from Huntsville, I look at Teresa and say what is that stuff on the side of the road.  She tells me COTTON.  I am like what I have never seen cotton unless it comes pre-shrunk. 

My family migrated north, so I do not know anything about this stuff.  Well, Amy decides to call me on the phone and says that she want to "pick some cotton".  Of course, all I could do was laugh. 

She realizes that it was probably not the most politically correct thing to say, but I have to be honest, I wanted a picture of me in the cotton fields of Scottsboro Alabama.   And of course, there is a famous book that I read as an undergraduate called the Scottsboro Boys and  this is about all that I know about the south. 

So here I am in the middle of the cotton fields of Alabama.

Oh and did I mention that while I am standing in the middle of this "EXPERIENCE" my dad calls on the phone.  Here is the conversation:

Dad: "Hey how was the weekend?"
Me: "Oh, that is a story for another time, but let's just say that I survived it."
Dad: "Great, so where are you now?"
Me: "Dad, I am standing in the middle of a cotton field in Northern Alabama"
Dad: "Ummmm Honney, What are you doing in the middle of a cotton field in Northern Alabama?"
Me: "Picking Cotton, Why?"
Dad: "Why are you picking cotton?"
Me: "I have never seen cotton up close like this.  We stopped so I could see it."
Dad: "Let me ask this again, Why are you standing in the middle of a cotton field in Northen Alabama picking cotton."
Me: "Dad, you know how it is when you have white friends, they want you to experience all of the South and its history."
Dad: "And tell me honey, what have you learned from this experience???"
Me: "I am glad that my ancestors migrated to the North.  Because this is no joke."
Dad: "OK honey, just checking, see you when you get back to the city."

So that is it.  I have now picked cotton in Alabama.

until we meet again,

Down in the Land of Cotton....

OK, So we all had a great time the night before.  We ate dinner the Olive Garden.  Had some girl time and off to room because we are exhausted. 

Come to find out the hotel room only has HOT water.  No cold to be found.  Even the cold water is hot.  But I am so tired, I don't care.  I take a nice SCALDING shower and get in the bed. 

When everyone else gets up in the morning to take their shower, they are screaming about how hot the water is.  And of course, the last person in the shower gets nothing but COMPLETELY HOT WATER. 

Well, Amy gets on the phone and calls the front desk, she tells them that we are leaving and could they send someone over to fix it for when we get back...  I am sure that the people at the desk are thinking we need to be grateful that we have hot water...

Well, I thought that my class was at 9am.  Come to find out it was not until later in the day 11.30 or something like that.  It is the same class that I taught the night before.  I figure that it is going to be just as sweet.

NOT.  The night before everyone finished.  I had high hopes.

Well apparently, some of the kits were from an older class.  I had tried to make it easier.  I thought that I had pulled all the odd pieces and I DID NOT. 

So the kits were wrong.  I mean a mess.  I mean some kits did not have complete pages.  Teresa is running back and forth cutting the paper that is missing and trying not to melt down on me in the class.

Well, lets just say this, I managed to get through it because I had no choice. 

Oh, did I mention the fact that Michelle is standing in the class waiting for the key to the room so that she can get her table out of the hotel room.  Yep that table that we barely fit in the  van once we got all the class supplies in.  Yep, that table that Teresa did everything but call me a child of God over.  Yep, that table.

Not everyone finished but mind you a few did and they loved it.  I made the decision...  well let me say this AMY and TERESA decided that I was not going to teach that class anymore. 
SO IT IS OFFICIAL... POCKETS. PULLOUTS AND FLIPS IS RETIRED!!!!

OK, so we go back to the booth.   SELL SELL SELL.

We eat lunch and then I teach my next class...  It is a Canvas Collage Class.  I love it.  They loved it and we were actually done about 10 minutes early.  I loved it.  And considering this was the first time that I taught the class.  I was glad to see that this one went so smoothly. 

I am going to continue to teach variations of this class.  It was great!

So now that this is over and we are ready to go eat Mexican.  I tell the girls to call me I am going to get some fresh air and just decompress from the day.

Well, I am outside just chit chatting and telling folks the standard stories about me and my crazy kids.  You know, Ziggy finding his Penis, Chi-Chi realizing she does not have one...  You know the standards when the phone rings...

BBBBBRRRRING....  BRRRIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNG

I see that it is Amy, she needs to see me because there is an opportunity for me to do "something".  And she needs to see me right away. 

Now you must understand that Amy has volunTOLD me for stuff before.  So I get back into the Exhibit Hall and she says to me that another teacher has flacked on her classes, they cannot get in touch with her and would I be willing to teach the class.

Well, my first question is "What is the class?"
Amy: "A mini album...  with a beach theme"
Me: "What time is the class"
Amy: "They THINK it is in the afternoon"
Me: "Where are the class kits?"
Amy: "There are NONE."
Me: "Oh, Hell NO...  NO.... NO"
Amy: "Lauren, this is a great opportunity for you to be a team player"
Me: "I dont give a F*CK about the team.  I actually dont like team sports that is why I scrapbook."
Amy: " Well, I already told them that you would be more than willing to do it and that we would help so get over it and put a smile on your face."

So I go out, gather my thoughts and decide that I need to see what I have gotten myself into and I get online to look at it.

OH MY GOD!!  No, it is not just a beach themed accordion mini album, it is a FLIP FLOP ALBUM.

Made from flip flops that you were on the beach.  I have no idea what I have gotten into.  I have never made one.  I have left my lap top at home.  I have no way of getting any idea of what I am going to need to get this done. 

Well, I told them that if they could find me the 30 pairs of flip flops, I would do it.

Deep down inside, I knew that they would never find enough for everyone in the class. 

Well behold, behold, the phone rings and now not only do they have 30 pairs of these shoes, but they want to know do I want them in children or adult sizes.  Where did they find all these flip flops you ask.....  WALLY WORLD.... WAL*MART.

Well, off we go to pluck ribbon and get the paper.

Now mind you we still have not gone to the Mexican joint where they promise me that we are going to unwind, laugh and just have girl time.

Well now it is 11.00pm and no one has eaten and everyone is dreading having to get this class done.  So we drive up and down the streets of Huntsville looking for someplace for me to eat. 

Y'all know I do not eat fast food.  My food needs to come on a plate with a fork.  So anything that is wrapped in paper or comes in a bag I cannot and will not eat.

So everyplace that we pull into is closed now.  Finally we get a phone call and find out that Steak and Shake is up the street and we are off to eat there.  No, I am not happy. 

How the hell are we suppose to have a Girls Night Out at Steak and Shake.  I think that is against the rules.  I thought that loud music and food on a plate was required for it to be considered a GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!

Now y'all know that I am not the praying type.  Normally when life is hard, I call Shelly and she prays on the phone with me.  Remember Shelly went back to the room when we were in Ann Arbor and got the Bible because she was going to pray my boxes to the hotel.  Well, I figured I needed to do the best I could and said...  PLEASE GOD FIND ME A PLACE WITH A FORK AND A PLATE....

TA DAH out of the side of my eye I see a TGIF.  It meets all of the requirements for a Girls Night Out.  Food on a plate and loud music.  I did not care, the car was still moving and I jumped out. 

I harassed the waitress as usual and we ate a FANTASTIC MEAL.  Now we were all around the table commenting on how good the food was.  I have never eaten in a TGIF.  So I figured either the food was really good, or my taste buds were so worn out from the past two days that they could care less and just figured as long as I could chew it, that was good enough.

Now Teresa was fading fast at the table.  In between bites, she would hummmmmm and then close her eyes.  So I knew at that point, she would be the designated driver for us in the morning. 

We pay the bill, I pour myself into the car and make the decision that I am not in my right mind.  I am way to tired and have not had anything more than five hours of sleep in two days so I figure that if I can stay encouraging and if I can get two pills, at this point, I was open to anything, I could teach this class.

Well, remember, the room has ONLY hot water, that is the first thing on Amy's mind.  So she has us change rooms in the middle of the night.  After another 30 minutes has past, we are off to the pool to put the class together.

Thanks God for the girls, a paper cutter and some common sense, we get the paper cut and all the stuff ready for class.  Let me rephrase that.  Michelle Smith and Amy get the class together.  I just have to teach it. 

Let's put it this way as the night lingered on and on, Amy put her head down on the table and she was out of it that her head fell on an emery board and when she lifted up, she had the imprint of the board on her head.  OK, now that I am typing it, it is not as funny, but at the time it cracked me up.

So off we go at 5.30am to get a nap in order to get up in just minutes to teach this class.

After a short nap and a not too hot shower, we are off to teach class.

I get in front of the class, I tell them the truth... that I was VOLUNtold to do this class and that I was still in search of some pills to get rid of the hammers in my head. 

An hour and a half later, the class is over and I have gotten a Starbucks and I have eaten a free continental breakfast at the Embassy Suites with Amy.  I take a nap, teach my next class.

After all is said and done, we EAT MEXICAN AND UNWINDING.  WE ARE SLEEPING LATE AND TAKING THE RIDE HOME SLOW AND EASY.

The night was long and all I can say without incriminating myself is that there was no sign by the pool that made any mention of requiring a swimsuit.  and if you want to know the truth, the water really was not that cold once I got my head underneath. 

And no matter what they say, I do not know how you can prove that it is me in those pictures because there is no face. 

Oh, did I mention that there are some pictures circulating in Iraq but they could have been altered.  I plead the 5th and that is all I have to say about that....

until we meet again,

Twas the night before SSSC....

Well what can I say about Simply Southern but this...

We had a blast, there are pictures, I did not do it, I deny it...  that is not my face and the water really was not all that cold once I put my head under.

Well, Teresa and I were up all night the night before trying to get kits put together.  Teresa cannot stay up past 10pm or she will turn into a pumpkin.  Well, I had her up until 4 am and she was not feeling me.

I am about to digress...

We had to take a mid evening run to IKEA for Michelle Luther.  Now, I had already picked up a 5 by 5 Expedite bookcase for her and drove that to Nashville the last time that I was there.

Michelle has gotten a bug in her ass about changing over her craft room.  She has more stuff then a store...  Oh did I mention that she owns the store Timeless Reflections...

I have no clue where she is going to put all the stuff that she has, but she wanted this particular desk and was driving to Huntsville to pick it up. 

Now mind you I had sent my Dad two times to get the desk which they did not have in stock, and I had been down there on two other occassions to get this desk.

By now we had spent more money in gas driving back and forth then if she had just paid the shipping or came to get it herself. 

So you know that you can not let me loose in IKEA.  I have to walk the floor and then I went down to the self serve to get the desk.  Of course, Teresa is just following me and indulging me through out the whole process. 

Well, half way thru the marketplace, my pocket book got really heavy and I decided to turn it over on a baby changing table and clean it out.  Yes, I just dumped the whole thing out and cleaned it up.  No, it did not get any lighter, but what the hell, now I had a clean bag and we could keep moving. 

As we are walking Teresa says to me in her very Southern way, "Lauren, why did we come here?"  I had to stop and search my brain just for a short minute and realize that she was being southern.  So I said, "Well, I figured since we were here, I would look around."

Well why did I say that.  She got that funny look in her eyes and her eyebrows went up and her mouth gets all tight.  Yikes, I am in big trouble.  The next few mumbled words went something like, "I'm not staying up all night, this is not my class, I am NOT driving ANYWHERE.  I told you that we could do this later....   BLAH BLAH BLAH."

So we finally get to the Aisle 20 Bin 3 and guess what NO DESK.  OK, so maybe there is some thing wrong, lets go to get the legs.  OK, off to Aisle 20 bin 18, we need two legs, there is only one leg. 

I turn and see Teresa pushing the cart, that of course has a mind of its own like the ones in London, you know the ones where you have to walk on the side of the cart to get it to go straight, looking at me with that lifted eyebrow again.  No mumbling, just that damn eyebrow.

Ok, so I say let me just see if the support beam is here and maybe they have it all over in on section.  You know that could happen.  So I go down to bin 30.  Yippee, there are 500 of these support beams, I come skipping back with it in my hand and a big smile on my face.  Teresa looks at me and says that is it that is all you have. 

So I get on the phone and call Michelle, I told her what had happened and I also told her that she was going to have to take some of the heat off, because Teresa was looking at me funny.   I also wanted her to get online and tell me if they still had any in the store.

Come to find out, they only bring down so much inventory for any given day.  Once it is gone, it is gone and they do not go back to fill up bins in the self serve until after the store is closed.  Something about Insurance and not having things falling on the public.  SO yes, there were there, just that days inventory had been sold.

Well  off we go for the fifth time eithout this desk.  And I with a happy grin tell her that we can stop and pick it up in the morning because we have to pass right by here anyway. 

OMG, the daggers come out and she looks at me with that look over her glasses and says "We have to come right past here in the morning and we are out here now.  What the HELL were you thinking?''   

Well we get in the car and she just has that shaken head look and I proceed to tell her that we will not be up all night and that she did not have to worry, I would drive all the way to Hunstville.

So off we go to finish kits.

Oh, but I digress...  Where was I

OK, so we finally get home, get the kits done, get the car packed and get about three hours of sleep.  I get up get the kids ready for school, take a shower and off we go to the Land of Cotton.

We get there finally.  Amy who has been at work all day gets to the Civic Center almost an hour before us. 

My other friend Michelle Smith, also from Nashville, is waiting in the parking lot of the hotel because I am running late.

I thought that class was at 6pm, I get there at 6:02pm and come to find out my class is not until 6:30,  Yep, I was early after all. 

This first class goes smooth as butter on a piece of hot toast.

We go out we eat dinner and get some sleep.  Oh but what was in store for us on the next day....

until we meet again,

Blogging Backwards to Blog Forward???

OK, it has been a very very long time since I have Blogged. 

I have been out of town and then the rest of the time, I have been sick. 

So here is the plan...  I am going to blog backwards to blog forward. 

I am going to just spend the morning catching y'all up in various entries and then I will be all caught up.

Now let me say this.  You will probably want to keep the soft drink, wine or margarita far away from the key board, because things are going to get mighty hairy around here.

Take a seat and get to reading.

until we meet again,

Too Much Fresh Air Can Kill You

OMG...  Let me say this again...  OMG

I have been down for the count for the past almost four days.  I went to the Smoky Mountains to recoup from Simply Southern.

First I thought that the fresh air would do me some good.  Being around the girls would make me laugh.  Just being away from the family without a care in the world.

YEAH RIGHT...

I am not even in the mountains for more than 15 minutes and I start sneezing.  Now, I don't mean just the AAAAACCCHHHHUUUUU and be done with it.  I mean five and six in a row. 

OK, so I go down the hill to get my allergy medicine, snotty nose and all.  Well, let's just put it this way I was too late the train had left the station on a non-stop mission making sure that I fell out on my ass sick.

I mean this was not just any kinda sick.  This was the kinda sick that my husband stayed home and cleaned the house because he felt so bad. 

The kinda sick that my Mom and Dad came by to cut pumpkins with the kids because I could barely stand up straight. 

This was the kinda sick that when I finally surfaced today everyone says to me on the
phone, "Oh my you sound awful".  Which is generally followed the the stupid question, "So, How do you feel?"  Which I respond, "Better than death, and let me tell you death was looking good for a few days."

I have so much antibiotic in me that my ass is on fire.  I have had the runs for the past four days.  I mean nothing comes out as it goes in. 

OK, OK, TMI.

So now I am back and I will be blogging again.  So now I need to read about 500+ emails and plug back in.  I have so much to catch y'all up on.

until we meet again,

I made it!!!

They love me they really do love me!!

I was selected to be on the Altered Arts Magazine Design Team!!!  Yep me little ole' me.

And would you believe that one of the women that I met in Ann Arbor was chosen also. 

I just love it!!!

So here is what they said:

Hi Lauren,

Congratulations!  You have been chosen as a new designer for Altered Arts
magazine/The Altered Book Club.  We were very impressed with your artwork.

After you have confirmed receipt of this email I will be sending you more
information pertaining to your role as our designer.

And I would have never looked if Rebecca Peck did not call me out of my death bed with a cold to come downstairs and read my email.

I know it has been a while since I blogged, I will get to it ASAP.  I am just deathly ill.

I will get to it tomorrow.

until we meet again,